10-Min Radio Interview: Happy Marriages Don't Happen by Accident
Relationship Stages
Potential Correlation of Principles from the current Plans of the Universal House of Justice and Relationships and Marriage (pdf file)
Self-Preparation
Self-preparation is a first vital step. Knowing and developing your character, resolving issues from your past, and building your relationship knowledge and skills are all important.
You are then empowered to be effective in a relationship. Your knowledge of your own character will help you recognize character strengths (and growth areas!) in a partner. |
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“Concerning your wish for a marriage partner to enhance your life and service, you are encouraged to trust in God, pursue your purposes with a joyful heart, and identify opportunities, through your own prayerful consideration or through consultation with others, to meet a man to whom you could consider being married.” (On behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual, August 25, 2010)
Research report (2008): "Understanding Single Bahá’ís: A Look at the Current State of North American Single Bahá’ís Based on a Large Online Survey" Online link. PDF file.
Handouts for self-study or workshops, see Learning-in-Action. Note that these contain more detailed information on chastity.
Towards Being a Couple
Dating and Courting Guidance for Bahá’ís (pdf file)
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Relationships are going through a process of organic culture change. Ideally friendship is a component, as is time with parents and family. Practicing chastity and focusing on knowing each other's character are aspects of relationships that have marriage as the goal. Couples may begin with dating and then move into courtship, a time when you are seriously talking about your potential for marrying successfully.
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The focus with relationships is marriage, not simply dating for social purposes.When you engage your mind, heart, and soul in the process, and not simply your physical responses to each other, you are more likely to make a great choice in a marriage partner. |
Couples who are in a long-distance relationship must work very hard to have enough experiences together that they can be confident they know one another's character and their compatibility. Marriage education resources that allow for deep discussions between contact and visits can assist this process.
Prayers for a future husband or wife
Handouts for self-study or workshops, see Learning-in-Action. Note that these contain more detailed information on chastity.
The Role of Parents
Guide for Parents About Dating, Courting, Character, Chastity, and Consent (pdf file)
Character Qualities to Know and Practice
“Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.” (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, #86)
Becoming thoroughly acquainted with the character of a partner is a primary requirement for Bahá’ís who are dating, courting, and considering marriage. In virtually every other circumstance, the guidance from the Writings is to overlook negative aspects about someone and just focus on the positive. Consider that the guidance before marriage seems to be different. If you ignore significant character weaknesses in a partner, will you be able to successfully establish a happy, harmonious marriage that is of service to others? Might you instead be mired in internal conflict and problems? It is also important to consider the compatibility of your strengths. Someone very creative might need to be partnered with someone just as creative, or it may work better if he/she is excellent at peacefulness and encouragement.
Some Bahá’ís have a tendency to use the phrase "We're investigating each other's character." Consider that investigating has a tone of digging out secrets, doubting the honesty of the other, and looking for the negative. Instead, consider that becoming "thoroughly acquainted" or "ascertaining knowledge" invites couples to engage in a wide variety of activities with one another, interact with each other's family, and participate in service together. The goal is to know one another well enough that there is a high level of confidence in the knowledge you hold of each other's character. The parental consent process will then be another level of check, as parents also are responsible for knowledge of the character of both partners:
“Bahá’í law places the responsibility for ascertaining knowledge of the character of those entering into the marriage contract on the two parties involved, and on the parents, who must give consent to the marriage.” (Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly: Lights of Guidance, #1231)
The qualities listed below are ones that are strengths of particular applicability to relationships and marriages:
Acceptance |
Creativity |
Generosity |
Mercy |
Sincerity |
Assertiveness |
Detachment |
Gentleness |
Moderation |
Spirituality |
Beauty |
Discernment |
Helpfulness |
Patience |
Tactfulness |
Caring |
Encouragement |
Honesty |
Peacefulness |
Thankfulness |
Chastity |
Enthusiasm |
Humility |
Perseverance |
Thoughtfulness |
Commitment |
Equality |
Idealism |
Purity |
Thriftiness |
Compassion |
Excellence |
Integrity |
Purposefulness |
Trustworthiness |
Confidence |
Faithfulness |
Joyfulness |
Resilience |
Truthfulness |
Contentment |
Flexibility |
Justice |
Respect |
Unity |
Cooperation |
Forgiveness |
Kindness |
Responsibility |
Wisdom |
Courage |
Fortitude |
Love |
Self-Discipline |
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Courtesy |
Friendliness |
Loyalty |
Service |
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More detail on character
Activities to Do Together
While you will, of course, do some activities just for the fun of being together, the goal of marriage will have you additionally choose other activities. As you choose what to do, think about what will help you know one another's character, deepen your friendship, and build unity with your families. Consider such choices as:
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Leading a junior youth group
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Tutoring a study circle
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Teaching children's classes
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Community service activities: cleaning up public areas, helping at a food bank for low-income people, planting a community garden, helping a neighbor, and more
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Organizing a family gathering
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Babysitting or doing childcare
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Marital Readiness Assessment (See details below)
When you are quite certain marriage would be a good choice, you can benefit from a pre-marital assessment of your readiness to marry with a counselor or coach. If one of the parties is not a Bahá’í, you may also be able to obtain an assessment through his or her clergy person. See below for details about how an assessment process works.
Parental Consent Process
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Once you have firmly decided to marry, then you will ask your parents for consent. Bahá’ís wishing to marry must have the agreement of their parents, and their partner's parents, to protect the unity of the family. When you have consent, then you are considered engaged and can plan your wedding.
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Consent is a process, not an event. All parents must give consent as individuals, without unduly influencing each other. The parents are responsible for knowing the character of the couple, which may take time, especially if they have had limited exposure to you during dating and courting. The couple and the parents are to continue learning about the couple's character up until the wedding. Any of them can change their minds up until the time the wedding vow is spoken. |
Parental Consent Guidance: There is extensive guidance on this topic available to you through books such as Lights of Guidance and through your local Spiritual Assembly. Guidance is updated regularly, so it is important that you obtain recent information. Guidance on when a child does not have to seek consent was updated in a January 2011 letter from the US National Spiritual Assembly quoting the Universal House of Justice from January 19, 2010. Parental Consent letter, pdf download
Parental Consent Form: There is no official form or format for parents giving their consent to marry. The couple and Spiritual Assembly will agree on what works for them. Some couples may wish to use this form if it's useful.
A story from an inter-racial couple: My Marriage in Black & White
Some more information on consent: http://www.bahaimarriage.net/resources_parentalconsent.htm
Marriage Preparation Process
Throughout courtship, consent, and the engagement, it is wise to be involved in marriage preparation. This means building your knowledge and skills for marriage. Classes, books, meeting with a happily married mentor couple, or meeting with a coach or counselor and more are options. If you have been married previously and divorced, you have children from previous relationships, or you come from families where your parents divorced, you are at higher risk for relationship and marriage problems unless you go through marriage preparation and education. See the Resources below.
Relationship and Marriage Readiness Assessment and
Coaching for Couples
Description of Assessment
For seriously courting couples, a premarital assessment with a relationship & marriage coach or therapist will help you determine whether you are ready to marry and well-matched, particularly before you approach parents for consent to a potential marriage. If you request coaching after obtaining consent, the person you work with will likely focus on preparing you for marriage and not on whether you are suited to marry. The assessment involves each person answering questions online or in-person on their own. Your answers are compiled into a report that the coach or therapist will go through with you in person, identify and discuss areas for improvement, and do knowledge and skill building activities.
The type of assessment varies somewhat depending on your relationship status and life circumstances and which service you work with. An assessment should generally cover these areas:
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Commitment Level & Expectations
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Relationship Dynamics; Styles & Habits; Personalities
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Personal Stress Profile
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Abuse Issues
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Communication
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Conflict Resolution
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Spiritual Beliefs
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Character Qualities
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Cultural/Ethnic Issues
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Financial Management
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Leisure Activities
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Closeness & Flexibility in Couple and Family
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Sexual Expectations/Issues
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Children/Parenting
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Family & Friends
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Resources
See the Resources section of this website for compilations of quotations and other materials
Books, Relationship and Marriage Preparation Courses, and Websites
